Cerberus with all their heads
Penny interviews Cerberus, guardian of the gates of Hades (a little less strenuous since Hades got a doorbell with a camera)! We hear from all three dog heads, plus the snake tail. Penny and the heads bond over having snakes who often won't shut up, the horror of knife-wielding fleas, and a general dislike of certain humans.
All of Cerberus's heads sound quite similar to the talented Brenden Southerland! Check out Brenden's twitter at @BrendenVA.
Penny Cephalonia sounds a lot like Rebecca Hicks, on Twitter at @RHicks.
Sibyl Corvin's voice bears an uncanny resemblance to that of Jaci Szilagyi, who twitters at @jekyllyn.
Music is by TJ, the empathic vampire! Learn more or get your own awesome music at https://linktr.ee/afkai.
Sound editing by Sibyl's doppelganger Jaci.
Check out the art of Penny's vocal doppelganger at lunaseastudios.storenvy.com!
Follow THE GORGON SHOW on Twitter at @GorgonShow, or email us at gorgonshow@faustiannonsense.com. See transcripts at faustiannonsense.com/gorgon-show.
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Mentioned in this episode:
Finding Monster Right is a hilarious podcast in which Adam and Allie answer questions you've never asked about monsters from folklore, pop culture, and our own world. Find them wherever you get your podcasts, and on twitter at @MonsterRightPod!
Transcript
Smart Cerberus Head 0:00
Not only do they have dyes I don't know if you knew about fleas, but they have six legs, and each one is a night.
Penny 0:26
Hi, you're listening to the Gorgon show, a podcast about being a monster in a human world. I'm your host, Penny cephalonia. And I'm a gorgon. I started this podcast to learn about and connect with my fellow monsters and to share their stories with you wonderful listeners. But I must admit, I was nervous about doing this.
Zappa 0:48
Why were you nervous? it's not like you're interviewing famous musicians, which is something you should do. Yes.
Penny 0:55
Well, Johann, I was nervous because I was raised very differently than many of my fellow monsters were, and I don't think that's a bad thing. But it did make me afraid that I wouldn't be able to find any way to connect with monsters from different backgrounds.
Zappa 1:10
You know, I never thought about it, but it is nice to have like other snakes around because even though they don't get me in my amazing fashion sense, we're still connected, you know?
Forbes 1:22
We got your back Zappa even though we don't understand your obsession with shoes.
Zappa 1:27
See, like, we have a connection.
Penny 1:30
You are all connected. Yes. Literally. But I suppose metaphorically too
Zappa 1:36
We are all hissing on the same plane of existence. Yeah.
So So are you less nervous about doing interviews now Penny?
Penny 1:45
I am. Thank you, Johann. I feel more connected to my fellow monsters than I ever did before. Even the ones that I don't really have much in common with. I feel that bond. But I do have something special in common with today's guest. He has three heads, all talking to one another. Just like I have all You snakes hissing at me.
Forbes 2:07
At least you're never lonely. Am I right?
Penny 2:10
Well, you might not be right. But you're not wrong. I think my guest would agree that sometimes it might be nice to have some peace and quiet. But that being totally alone would suck. Well, it would suck hellish, spiky flea balls. But before we get to the interview, let me tell you about one of our wonderful sponsors.
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Please welcome our guest Cerberus and yes, that is the Cerberus. Welcome to the Gorgon show Cerberus. Thank you for being here.
Scary Cerberus Head 3:52
Thank you so much for having me.
Penny 3:56
Oh, oh, that's Oh, that's growly. I like your voice. I've never actually heard your voice before.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle 4:03
Oh, well. We we don't talk very much.
Penny 4:07
Oh, it's I take it. You're busy being a guardian of the gates of Hades.
Scary Cerberus Head 4:13
Yes, but we do all kinds of things.
Penny 4:17
Oh,
Dumb Cerberus Head 4:18
yeah. Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes. We have snacks!
Penny 4:26
Oh, goodness. Do you happen to like donuts?
Dumb Cerberus Head 4:31
Yeah. But I'm I'm not allowed to have him because one time we were hanging out at like this place and there's a cop and the cops had donuts and I just I went crazy. Oh,
Penny 4:45
my, oh, no. Oh, no. Here he comes.
Duncan 4:49
No donuts!?
Penny 4:52
No, Dunkin, Dunkin you get to have doughnuts. You get to have doughnuts, okay? It's okay. It's okay.
Dumb Cerberus Head 4:58
Can I have one too?
Penny 5:00
I will talk to your other heads about that. Oh, okay. Usually I feed my snakes donuts after the podcast if they promise to behave during the interview segment.
Scary Cerberus Head 5:12
Don't. Don't Don't let them have any doughnuts. Okay?
Penny 5:16
Okay. No doughnuts for you. But Dunkin, you will get donuts. It's okay. Okay, so for any of my listeners who don't know about Cerberus What do you want humans and monsters to know about you? Other than the fact that you really shouldn't have donuts?
Scary Cerberus Head 5:35
Well, first thing you should know, is that just because we guard hell, doesn't mean we're evil.
Penny 5:45
Oh, yeah, that is a misconception amongst my human friends that Hades and hell are one the same place and two, that Hades is somehow a realm of evil. So could could you go into more detail about that to address those misconceptions?
Smart Cerberus Head 6:02
Yes, of course. Well, you see, the first thing to remember is that if you are there, it's because well, you were a piece of shit. For various reasons. Sometimes you're a little shit. Sometimes you're a big shit. But I'm just there to make sure you don't leave.
Penny 6:20
Oh, that's a very, very important job. Yes. And, and I'm all for punishing assholes. I'm down with that, as the humans would say. Could you describe for anyone who doesn't know though you are one of the more known monsters in in our world, but could you please describe what you look like to our listeners?
Scary Cerberus Head 6:45
Well. We have three heads. One is very handsome.
Dumb Cerberus Head 6:52
That's me.
Scary Cerberus Head 6:55
No, that's me.
Smart Cerberus Head 6:56
And then there's another head is a little bit smarter than the other ones
Dumb Cerberus Head 7:02
Oh. That's me too.
Smart Cerberus Head 7:06
Yes, of course. It's you. Then I have spikes and various things along in my body. And then I have a tail. That is well, it's a snake.
Penny 7:23
Oh, oh. Oh, the snakes on my head are buzzing. They are very, very excited. Does your snake tail talk?
Cerberus Tail/Kyle 7:32
Are you guys talking about me? I have to speak up. I can't hear back here.
Zappa 7:39
Oh, my God.
Scary Cerberus Head 7:41
Shut up. Kyle.
Zappa 7:42
It's a snake tail. It's a snake tail that talks. Oh my god. I'm like so excited right now. I have like, totally, totally like, Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Penny 7:53
Okay. Okay snakes.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle 7:54
He named himself Kyle.
Penny 7:55
Kyle. Hi, Kyle.
Johann 7:57
Hi, Kyle. I'm Johann.
Forbes 7:59
Hey Kyle wassup How you doing? My name is Forbes.
Zappa 8:02
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, my God I'm Zappa Kyle. I'm so happy to meet you. Aaaah
Penny 8:08
Okay, okay, snakes.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle 8:09
Are you guys? Are you guys our cousins? I don't I don't know. I don't I don't have most of the brain back here.
Penny 8:17
I am very curious about this. I don't know if if my snakes are related to your snake. But perhaps we can. We can. Oh, what's that? That? Oh, google It Yes, the humans and their amazing inventions. Maybe we can look that one up. Or perhaps I could consult my ancestor Medusa. If I ever get brave enough to talk to her open. I'm so excited to meet all of your parts. So you have a snake tail. But but you? Well, humans might describe you as looking like a dog. Is that correct?
Smart Cerberus Head 8:53
Yes. I mean, the majority of me is a dog, which you know, now that I think about it? I don't quite understand. Because my mother was half human half snake. And my father was all snake. So I don't know where the dog came from.
Penny 9:11
Oh, I am very curious.
Smart Cerberus Head 9:13
I hope she didn't step out. but who knows?
Penny 9:16
Yeah, honestly, I have heard so many stories about the origin of gorgons. I just know who my parents and grandparents are. And that's good enough for me. I did have a question from a human friend of mine. Who when they heard I was interviewing you just wanted to know one thing. Are you a good boy?
Dumb Cerberus Head 9:40
Oh yeah, I'm the Best Boy except when you know I don't go outside when I have to go to the bathroom. Or I
Smart Cerberus Head 9:50
Yes. We are not incontinent. i We are trained. We know how to go outside. We certainly have never had Hades. Put our faces in it. When we were little. He don't listen. Don't listen to the man behind the curtain. As you as you will. Dammit.
Penny:I'm not sure if I should ask this but who? Who's a better caretaker? Hades or or Persephone? Oh, I could get in trouble for this. Hehe
Scary Cerberus Head:Oh I will take that one. They are both equally great.
Dumb Cerberus Head:wow. Very diplomatic.
Penny:Very smart answer. You know, who fills your dog bowl. Okay, so Cerberus. There are so many misconceptions about us monsters amongst humans, and also our fellow monsters, which is one of the reasons why I do this podcast, because I want us to know each other. Um, are there myths about you? Cerberus, that you would like to debunk?
Scary Cerberus Head:Yes, I have quite a few. Why don't you take the first one?
Smart Cerberus Head:Okay, well, first off, let me tell you I'm not talking about current ones because most of them seem pretty. Okay. But let me tell you about the ancient humans. They are so fucking stupid. Let me tell you this. This one guy. What would was his? What was his name?
Dumb Cerberus Head:It was Hesiod.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, yes. Hess yard. He told everyone that we had 50 heads. That's, that's ridiculous. That's not even logistically possible. I mean, not like my idiot brother, the Hydra. Which let me tell you something. Oh, no, I'm gonna go. No, I don't want to get sidetracked. We'll talk about him later. What was the other guy? Oh, Pindar. He said. I had 100 heads. How stupid can you be? I know you didn't have television or Google, like whatever you said it was but I mean, come on. infuriates me to no end? Oh,
Dumb Cerberus Head:right. What about that poet guy?
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, yes. That fucking guy. He said, we had one dog head. And 100 Snake heads?
Penny:Oh, no. Nobody wants that. Even I don't have that many. Thank goodness.
Smart Cerberus Head:Don't Don't sell yourself short. All of your snakes are absolutely wonderful. And if there were more, it would be great. And if there were less, it would still be great. Don't let these stupid humans say that snakes aren't wonderful.
Penny:Oh, they are I? I like to think I have just the right amount. It's just right.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:Yes. Snakes are great.
Cerberus Dog Heads Together:Shut up Kyle!
Scary Cerberus Head:What about that jerk, Hercules?
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, my God, Hercules. Okay, so you know all about Hercules 12 trials, right?
Penny:Yes. Yes. I am familiar.
Smart Cerberus Head:Well, his final one was to capture me.
Penny:What a dick.
Smart Cerberus Head:That is not what happened. It was someone's turn on guard duty and was tricked by a simple piece of meat.
Dumb Cerberus Head:I was hungry.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. We know you were hungry. You're always hungry. So he did not capture us. He did not defeat us. This idiot just went with him.
Dumb Cerberus Head:He had Muscles. He was he was sexy.
Scary Cerberus Head:Oh my god.
Penny:How unfortunate.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:Yes, he was.
Penny:How do you have any opinions about Perseus? The answer is fuck Perseus. That's the answer. The answer is fuck him. Fuck him, right in the ear.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yeah, I was. I was I was trying to be. I don't you know what? I don't. I don't think he listens to this. So do you think he listens to this?
Penny:Oh, he's long dead.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, that's right.
Scary Cerberus Head:We watched him go through the gates of hell.
Penny:Oh, did you bite them? Just lie to me. Tell me you bit him right in the ass.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, I did something much better. Oh, when he came down to hell he was spoiler alert for those of you who are going to hell. When you go down you actually go through like a bunch of thorns and you get ripped to shreds not destroyed, but ripped to shreds. And you know what we did?
Penny:What did you do?
Scary Cerberus Head:We pissed on him
Penny:Ah, ah, on behalf of all Gorgons I think you
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:know the screams he gave that day exquisite
Penny:I'm going to sleep so well tonight. Thank you. Thank you for this. Okay. Wow, you you take your job very seriously, and I appreciate it. But what's a day in your life look like? Do you ever get to take a break from work? What do you do in your free time? I have so many questions.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. See, our day begins from let's see, when we wake up to about four hours later we are brushing our teeth. Because remember, hygiene is very, very important.
Penny:So important.
Smart Cerberus Head:Got to keep your teeth clean. You got to keep them sharp. because how else are you going to tear people limb from limb? You can't do that with dirty teeth and dull teeth and plaque and all these other things.
Penny:Plaque is the worst.
Dumb Cerberus Head:Yes. And then after we brush our teeth, I spend about 40 minutes cleaning myself and like licking things.
Scary Cerberus Head:Yes. He has more control in the morning. I'm a I'm a late sleeper.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. He Yes he is. And then for some reason. I don't know why our balls are always so dirty. But and I don't know why we don't clean that before we brush our teeth. But then we have to spend another 40 minutes brushing his teeth. And then we check our schedule for the day whether we're actually on the clock or not. I'm not needed that much anymore. Hell is kind of automated now. They've got like they've got Oh, what's that thing? Oh, the ring. The door. The door camera?
Penny:Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. Um, Hades had that installed. Oh, but it's like a reverse version. So it's not facing the outside because you know, once you're at the gates, there's nowhere else for you to go. You have to go straight in. But it alerts him on his his hell phone. I think he called it Steve Jobs gave it to him. Oh, that's a whole nother that guy's a jerk. That's a whole nother thing already want to get on that when people try to escape? hitler's tried so many times.
Penny:Yeah, I heard he was. He's persistent. That little dick. Yeah,
Smart Cerberus Head:he is. He thinks he'll just he'll like put his hand up in the air over the camera. Thinking that it'll stop it like it'll it won't see him anymore. He's he wasn't the smartest guy and he didn't get any smarter in hell.
Penny:That's not how it works. You dumb fucking Nazi,
Smart Cerberus Head:you dumb idiot. So yeah, so then, well, I actually I usually eat him. Once a day. Shit him out.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:Yes, he's he's quite upset when he leaves and I bite him right on his ass.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, that's the one thing you're good for Kyle. Now shut up.
Penny:This is this is all making me. So happy in the worst kind of way. Or maybe I shouldn't be so ashamed of that. Listen. You're very busy.
Smart Cerberus Head:The worst kind is the best kind.
Penny:I agree. Oh, my goodness.
Smart Cerberus Head:So on our on our days off, we go to the lake of fire. We go swimming in there. Get all the fleas off of our back. Then some times we go to the track where all the Olympic cheaters go. Let me tell you the track team is very excited to get some of those Russian Olympic athletes down here. So yeah, so we run on the track. We step on people as we go, then. And then sometimes we watch
Dumb Cerberus Head:oh yeah we watch the Winchester dog show.
Scary Cerberus Head:Oh, yes. It's um, it's a guilty pleasure of ours.
Penny:Oh, no need to feel guilty about that. Have you ever come up to the world of living? Have you ever thought of participating in a dog show? I think you'd have a good chance of winning Best in Show, maybe even three times
Smart Cerberus Head:we thought about that. But the one on the far left. He can't keep it in his pants. It's just we want to avoid. We don't want any kids. If you catch my drift. Hell isn't a great place to have children.
Penny:Not for puppies. Hell is not for puppies. Have you ever thought about having a family? I mean, seriously.
Smart Cerberus Head:We thought about it. But we have we have this one.
Dumb Cerberus Head:Hey. Are you talking about me?
Smart Cerberus Head:Yep, yeah, talking about you. Plus, we have Kyle and he's like a redheaded stepchild. So we kind of already have one. So I mean if it happens, it happens. But I'm kind of afraid that we might eat them accidentally. So yeah, no kids.
Penny:Yeah, that's that's a good reason not to breed. I understand in a way that the snakes on my head. They are kind of like my family, but it's like a family made up of those cousins who are a little weird, but they're still family.
Zappa:Hey, now, that's a little bit insulting.
Penny:I know, but I still love you. Okay. Um, so, have you ever had any interactions with living humans or living monsters? Or do you only interact with those assholes who have died?
Smart Cerberus Head:Well, most of our time is spent dealing with the assholes. Even though we have the the ring security system, we still have to do our jobs. When we go up to up to the land of the living, we generally don't look like ourselves. We have various disguises that we do. Did you ever see that movie? Turner and Hooch?
Penny:Yes, I'm a big fan of movies because I can sit amongst humans without possibly turning them into statues. I love movies, Turner and hooch. I watched that on cable about a billion times.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, we were actually the stunt dog on that film.
Penny:What? Oh, I did not know what you were that kind of celebrity.
Smart Cerberus Head:Every scene that you see where he's just sitting there doing nothing. That's him. If he's running or doing any activity, that's us. He was kind of an asshole. He was very stuck up. He thought he was God's gift to dogs. But yeah, so Tom Hanks is one of our favorite people. He's a very nice guy. I you know, I funny story. One time, we were hanging out and I said, I was hanging out with Tom. Don't ask him about it because he's quite embarrassed. He'll say this never happened. But we were hanging out. And I was like, Hey, Tom, you know you didn't you didn't win that Oscar and many of your movies which he should have gotten so many Oscars don't even get me started.
Penny:Oh, I agree.
Smart Cerberus Head:What you should do is kill them. See, what I was trying to do was I was trying to get him to commit a cardinal sin so that he could go to hell and we could like, hang out more often.
Penny:Oh, that's an interesting way to make friends. I must say. I'm assuming that Tom Hanks, well, either didn't murder someone or got away with it and escaped human law. Um, perhaps we shouldn't go into detail about that. For his sake. I'd like to see him in more movies. What do you think?
Dumb Cerberus Head:Yeah. I'll never tell.
Penny:I'll never tell. Just like I'll never tell about all those beautiful statues in all those places that I may or may not have been to. So Tom Hanks,
Smart Cerberus Head:I thought that might have been you.
Penny:Oh, goodness. No, I was never there. No one can prove anything. And besides, it's all accidental. Unless, unless someone's an asshole.
Smart Cerberus Head:And then it's Accidentally on Purpose
Penny:accidentally on purpose. I may know of several people. I've sent your way. But we don't speak of it for legal reasons. So Tom Hanks
Smart Cerberus Head:We're looking at you, Steve.
Penny:Yeah, Steve? Hehe. Oh, goodness. Nope, nope. Nope. Not admitting anything. So you've you've had some interactions in Hollywood. As I said, I'm a big movie fan. Could you speak more about your time in the world of the living in Hollywood? Have you been in any other movies or met other celebrities?
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, yes. I've acDon't ask me to do it now. A long time ago, I don't remember half the voices. I was going to be in 102 Dalmatians. But I had accidentally eaten some of the PAs Oh, they were going to strip me of my sag AFTRA status. But I convinced the board with threats of, you know, going somewhere hot and fiery that they didn't want to go and I got to keep it but the deal was I didn't get to be in 102 Dalmatians.
Penny:That's a bit of a bummer. Um, is there any role that you would really like to play? Have you ever wanted to do Shakespeare or something?
Scary Cerberus Head:No, I actually want we wanted to be Krypto Superman's dog in the live action. But Zack Snyder said, we were too dark for his film
Penny:that I find that hilarious in the worst kind of way. Also, fuck you Zack Snyder.
Smart Cerberus Head:Spoiler alert He's going to hell.
Penny:Oh, okay. I I am okay.
Smart Cerberus Head:I mean, you saw you saw Batman v Superman, right?
Penny:Yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:That's an that's an automatic ticket to hell making that garbage. Martha, your your mother's name is Martha. I can't destroy you.
Scary Cerberus Head:He was right there. He should have finished the job.
Penny:Filmmakers beware. Okay,
Smart Cerberus Head:sorry. Sorry. That's um, that's a very it's a very sore spot with me.
Penny:I'm not going to ask about Star Wars because I love it too much. And I really don't want to know about what the prequels might might have wrought for for Mr. Lucas. So let's just keep that one on the downlow.
Smart Cerberus Head:Okay, don't worry. He's not going to hell because of Star Wars.
Penny:Oh, that sounded that sounded a little ominous.
Smart Cerberus Head:Come on. You know why?
Penny:Well, I
Smart Cerberus Head:It's that
Penny:Howard the Duck?
Smart Cerberus Head:It's that collaboration he did with Spielberg is gonna get him in hell. Ah, I don't even don't even don't even I'm not even going to say the name because that will probably get me a ticket. Wait, I already live there.
Penny:Can you go to hell, if you already live there. as long as it's not for Willow. I really enjoy that film and believe it's underrated. It's a wonderful, wonderful film and I recommend it for for human and Monster families. Okay,
Scary Cerberus Head:yes. It's one of our favorite movies to kill to. We love to have it on in the background as we tear people limb from limb.
Penny:I don't think I'll ever be able to watch that movie the same way again now. Hmm? Okay.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, it will be it'll be more fun.
Penny:So if if you could be a human for a day a living human? What would you take that opportunity? And what would you do if you could be a human?
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, that's a very good question. Well, one moment. What do you think? What would what will we do?
Scary Cerberus Head:I don't I've never thought about that before.
Dumb Cerberus Head:I would go on a waterslide.
Smart Cerberus Head:That's that's not that's not our official answer
Penny:water slides are fun
Smart Cerberus Head:Dammit he's right. That does sound fun. Yes, I would. There's not a lot of water in hell. So we're only like I said, we're only used to swimming in lakes of fire. So it might be nice.
Penny:It is quite delightful.
Smart Cerberus Head:You know, our favorite movie of all time is Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Penny:Oh, yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:And so I've always you know what, now that he's mentioned it I've always wanted to go to San Dimas, with their famous water slides.
Penny:I've been to San Dimas and, and I even went to buy a candy bar at a Circle K in San Dimas, because of that movie, he I've never been on that waterslide though.
Smart Cerberus Head:Funny enough, actually, now that never mentioned that there are slides in hell. And Napoleon's never allowed to go on them because there's a sign that says you must be this tall to ride the ride. And every time he walks up, the sign gets a little bit higher, so he never gets to go on.
Penny:Oh, that's a delectable punishment. And that's extra funny because Napoleon wasn't really unusually short, but to have a sign change. Oh, oh, that's devious he
Smart Cerberus Head:he hates it. He hates it. It's I can't do it. I don't want to offend anyone with my French accent. But yeah, he's, he's, he's very upset. He's, I'm not short. And then the sign just gets higher and higher. So he looks smaller and smaller. And then he walks off in a huff, and then he'll turn around every time and then the sign will get back to its normal size. And he'll think maybe this time, I'll get on. And then he walks open and it just gets high again.
Penny:That is what you get for being a murdery asshole everyone or or for making bad films.
Smart Cerberus Head:So that's, that's another misconception about hell that I would like to dispel with everyone. It's not just fire and brimstone. You're not tortured and wrecked limb from them until the end of time. They do things like that. Like for example, if your vice was, I don't know, say alcohol you'll be presented with bottles and bottles and bottles. Sometimes it won't open. Sometimes it will be water. Sometimes it will be liquid hot magma
Dumb Cerberus Head:and sometimes it's dog piss.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, that's that's that's the one good idea he had because there's sometimes there's like hundreds of bottles and we'll tell the person in one bottle there is pure 150,000 proof alcohol. And when they find it, we freeze time, uncork it, spill it out and then pee in it.
Penny:Oh, that's that's worse than Tantalus Oh, that's, that's, that's
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, we do that to him too.
Penny:Oh, you piss on Tantalus Oh, that's just mean t
Smart Cerberus Head:here's a lot of a lot of bad people apparent don't really like that. So it's a past time. You know, when we ask for a day off and we don't get it. We just go around peeing on stuff. It's, it's one of the actual like stereotypes about dogs that still applies to us.
Penny:I know there are some humans who are into that, and we don't kink shame. But I'm I'm I'm not that way. Goodness. No, not not my thing.
Smart Cerberus Head:Funny enough. Most of the people that are into that aren't down there.
Penny:Everyone's should be free to be themselves. As long as it's consensual.
Smart Cerberus Head:If you do what you do in the privacy of your own home between 2345 or even 15 consenting adults is your business as long as everyone's on the same page and you listen to safe words.
Penny:That's a very important message to get across to humans and monsters. Okay, so So what scares you? You're a very, very scary monster but But what scares you? What's your worst fear?
Smart Cerberus Head:Well, I we each have one. Why don't you go first?
Dumb Cerberus Head:Well, my biggest fear is going after a ball and it just disappearing. Like if if you throw it I should be able to get it. scares me to the balls can just disappear. Scary,
Penny:huh? That makes a strange kind of sense. Yeah.
Scary Cerberus Head:My biggest fears is Kyle, getting more of a brain power.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, that's that's yes. Fuck Kyle.
Scary Cerberus Head:Yes. Fuck Kyle.
Smart Cerberus Head:And then my biggest fear is fleas.
Penny:That also makes a lot of sense. Are fleas in Hades a little nastier than in the living world.
Smart Cerberus Head:They have knives?
Penny:Oh, oh.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. And not only do they have knives, I don't know if you know about fleas, but they have six legs. And each one has a knife.
Penny:Oh my goodness. I'm very glad that those are contained to your realm.
Smart Cerberus Head:And they smoke. It's disgusting.
Penny:Oh, oh, like they smoke cigarettes.
Smart Cerberus Head:Or they smoke a lot of things. If if you can put it in a paper. They'll smoke it.
Penny:Okay, so So anyone who's thinking of being an asshole, remember that you might get punished by smoking fleas with knives. That's a good incentive to be nicer to your fellow humans and monsters. Everyone.
Smart Cerberus Head:Let me tell you something for you humans. You don't get it any access to it. But there is a ton of PCP down there. There's people who are like it's so hot, and then it'll start snowing but it's PCP. And it just it's a whole it's a whole thing. So a lot of times the fleas are on PCP, and they just like let's climb this mountain. But it's you know, one of us or it's a person. They're scary. I don't like them.
Penny:Okay, that that sounds extra extra terrifying. Okay, so So, Hades, come for the lake of fire. Stay for the smoking knife wielding drug addled fleas. Okay. In this difficult time in the world of the living end of the dead. What what gets you through it?
Smart Cerberus Head:Yeah. You talking about the current affair and state of the earth?
Penny:Yes. Amongst other things. Yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:Well, what gets us through it is to knowledge that it will be over soon. And we will have so many new people to guard
Penny:Oh, okay. Well, that's that's not as optimistic as I'd hoped. So
Smart Cerberus Head:well, not for not for them, but for us. Because when that happens, guess who takes over the earth? Oh, oh, monsters. Oh,
Penny:I do like my human friends. But there are times when I would like to rule everything. Okay,
Smart Cerberus Head:you can still visit them. Oh, they just won't be able to come back to the earth.
Penny:That's true. I could just pop down and say hello. And and watch them being attacked by by fleas while drinking bottles of piss. That's a thought. So what advice would you give to not only your fellow monsters but also to humans, perhaps ones who might need some warning of an upcoming apocalypse?
Smart Cerberus Head:That's you know what that's a really good question. The first piece of advice that I would give to you is, remember that life, and especially for you humans, is very, very short in the grand scheme of things. So do what makes you happy, but doesn't hurt other people unless they ask for it. And not like, Oh, that guy's a jerk. He deserves to die more like, I want you to spank the ever loving shit out of me that kind of of consent. That kind of asked for it. And then don't ever hit your children.
Penny:Oh, that's very, very specific. But but I'm down with that. That's really excellent advice.
Smart Cerberus Head:You're down With hitting children?
Penny:No, no, I'm down with people not doing it. I know Parenting is hard, or at least I've heard it is oh, it is but but that's just not the way to raise your kids.
Smart Cerberus Head:Exactly. If your children human or monster act up which you know, they will they're children. Just show them a drawing of the fleas in hell and they'll get they'll get their attitude right up.
Penny:That is better incentive than Santa Claus and Krampus I must say for my human friends. I'm going to encourage my human friends who are parents to do just that. Scar your children mentally and emotionally. Not physically, humans. Get it together.
Smart Cerberus Head:Now that you you'll see that you bring that up, but the funny thing is, Santa's going to hell. Krampus Definitely not. Oh, Krampus doesn't break into houses. Santa does.
Penny:Yeah. Santa has been known to be cited for b&e. Yes, but it's for a good reason. He's bringing gifts.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, but why are you they're not your children. Why are you watching them? 24/7
Penny:Don't even get me started on that fucking Elf on the Shelf.
Smart Cerberus Head:Elves. Anyways, moving on.
Penny:Yeah, I know some very nice elves. They don't sit on shelves. And Judge children. Oh, no, no, that's not what elves do
Smart Cerberus Head:It's a stereotype it's a it's a disgusting stereotype. And I won't have it.
Scary Cerberus Head:I won't have it either.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:I'll have it.
Smart Cerberus Head:Shut up Kyle!
Penny:Well, Cerberus. This has been absolutely delightful to to speak with. Well, another friend from Greece. And and I'd like you to stick around. If you could, I know you're busy. But it's time for us to look into the future, which it seems like you think is going to be very bleak in a very short time. But it's time to look into the future with my Oh, so delightful roommate Sibyl. Who who I'm very curious as to where she will wind up in in her afterlife. Sybil. Hi.
Sibyl:Hi, roomie.
Penny:Hi, Sybil, Sybil, this is our guest Cerberus who? I don't know. Maybe you'll get to know intimately someday,
Sibyl:Cerberus, nice to meet you.
Smart Cerberus Head:You wash your hands after go into the bathroom. Right?
Sibyl:Of course. I knew you were going to ask that
Smart Cerberus Head:then you can visit hell you won't. You won't go there because you wash your hands.
Penny:Oh, is that all it takes?
Sibyl:is that the standard? Okay,
Smart Cerberus Head:well, that's one of them. If you don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom, even if you're the Pope, you're still going to hell.
Penny:Good to know. Maybe Maybe we should share this list of of rules. guidelines with our listeners.
Smart Cerberus Head:No I'm Okay.
Penny:Okay. You want it to be a surprise. Okay. Wash your hands. Don't beat your kids, or else you'll get the fleas. Okay, Sybil
Smart Cerberus Head:And don't be named Kyle.
Penny:Oh, yeah. And don't be named Kyle. Sorry to any listeners named Kyle. Or Carl. Just because. Sybil, you are here to predict the future
Sibyl:Tell the future? Yes, I am.
Penny:Let's get it over with.
Sibyl:All right. So Cerberus. I don't know if you know how this works. But I am an Oracle, which means that the gods do send me visions directly to my brain. So I use this awesome in the old use of the word as an inspiring of awe gift that I've been given to inform our podcast listeners of their future. And in order to do this, because we have so many excellent listeners, I have to categorize them somehow. So I use this weird human invention of astrology to do that. So the zodiac signs. I basically divide all our listeners into 12 categories based on when they were born, and then take all of the visions that I get for each category and mush em together, and then try to describe them. So they are
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh that sounds awesome.
Sibyl:Thank you. I think it works quite well. It can be a little bit hard to interpret sometimes.
Penny:Also illogical bullshit, yes
Smart Cerberus Head:I one quick question though.
Sibyl:Yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:These visions that you get I might be influenced from the world above. Are they ad free? Or is that something that you have to pay for?
Sibyl:Oh, no, I get them for free.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, that's awesome.
Sibyl:Yeah, It's a gift from the gods
Penny:no one should have even her bullshit, even her
Smart Cerberus Head:you probably know this oracle. I will tell the listeners, there was a rumor going around that Netflix is going to start putting ads into their programming by the end of the year. And just in case anyone from Netflix is listening, you're going to hell
Sibyl:yes. I know that they were thinking of it that I don't think that that future has fully settled one way or another. So I couldn't tell you for sure which way it's going to go. So I don't know. We'll see. All right, so Cerberus. What sign are you? Do you know, the zodiac signs?
Smart Cerberus Head:Um, yes, we had arguments because technically, we were created at different times and then put together.
Sibyl:Oh, interesting.
Smart Cerberus Head:So it's, yes. Like, technically it was like, in Earth times it was like months, but in terms of times of like, hell, it was within within minutes.
Sibyl:Sure.
Smart Cerberus Head:Time works very differently down there.
Sibyl:Naturally.
Smart Cerberus Head:But I am a Capricorn.
Sibyl:Oh, okay. Lovely. In your honor. I am going to start with Capricorn then. So Oh, and as listeners who have been hearing episodes so far know, I do need to open the way for these visions when I'm taking in this much information about the future by ingesting some sort of mind altering substance. And because I saw that you were going to be discussing it on the podcast. Anyway. Today I have chosen PCP. So it's starting to kick in now.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh pass That shit
Penny:Oh please don't
Sibyl:I don't think we can. We are kind of remote. But I'm it sounds like you get plenty of it in Hades,
Smart Cerberus Head:we put it in our dog bowl.
Sibyl:Ah, that seems efficient. So it's starting to kick in. So I'm going to open my mind and get some visions for Capricorn
Penny:Here comes the bullshit
Sibyl:Capricorn I see a giant head in the clouds. And it looks like the clouds are going through her head. Now, I don't know if this is going to be literal and Capricorns. Some of you are going to, I don't know, have something physically go through your head. Probably not to a good end. But some of you this probably means that you're going to have some amazing insight and be able to see a bird's eye view of your situation, whatever that situation is. So sometime in the next few weeks, Capricorn most of you are going to have some sort of brilliant insights. And some of you are probably going to get partially decapitated.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, that's simply crackerjack material. something good might happen to you or something bad might happen.
Penny:You figured it out
Smart Cerberus Head:pinpoint accurate.
Penny:Oh, yeah, get it? She smokes shit and makes shit up.
Sibyl:It's a lot of people so I gotta cover all of their futures. Aquarius
Smart Cerberus Head:which is which is the worst sign like that has the most amount of worse people.
Sibyl:Ah, I don't know. I've heard Scorpio is often the problem but also Gemini, which happens to be my sign so I kind of take that one a little personally
Smart Cerberus Head:then I Kyle is a Scorpio.
Sibyl:Okay, do you want Scorpios next then?
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. Are you listening? Kyle? You fucking idiot.
Sibyl:Scorpio.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:Not That's not nice.
Sibyl:Scorpio, I see a beautiful white sand beach covered in seashells. So I suspect you're going on vacation soon. Or you might drown something in between those two things. Or both
Scary Cerberus Head:God let it be drowning. Let it be drowning. Let it be drowning.
Penny:You're so odd.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes. You're right. Kyle is odd. Look at his stupid face.
Penny:Snakes are great because Kyle is odd. Okay, good to know. Oh, what's next? Sybil
Sibyl:Kyle. I think you have a lovely face. All right. Sagittarius. So Sagittarius. I see a lot of clouds in this one PCP must be very cloud generating in my visions, a lot of the time whatever drug I have influences the vision. So clouds seem to be a pattern here. I see.
Smart Cerberus Head:We also call it they call it Angel Dust. That makes sense.
Sibyl:Yeah, that there's a logic to it. It looks like there's an elephant surrounded by a lot of clouds and kind of a pink fog. I'm not sure what this means. But the elephant seems to be missing a limb and is not very happy looking. So I don't know exactly what's going to happen with you. So a Sagittarius, but it's probably not going to be a great future. Just a heads up
Penny:sorry, elephants. If any elephants are listening,
Sibyl:I don't know if any actual elephants are involved. Or if that's a metaphorical elephant. Alright, aquarius
Penny:A metaphor for bullshit
Sibyl:Aquarius, I see a whole bunch of butterflies, but all of them are missing a wing. So beautiful, but a little bit damaged. But they're still they still look happy and they're still able to fly somehow.
Penny:That is lovely and disturbing.
Smart Cerberus Head:I have a quick quick question. I was put I'm not an Oracle. And so I'm not going to judge you on what you do in your process. But are you just looking out the window and just describing what you see?
Sibyl:Oh no, we record in a closet. So there are no windows. I'm just seeing what's in my head given to me by the gods
Smart Cerberus Head:I know there's no windows but I'm saying like you probably see a window. PCP is a hell of a drug.
Sibyl:Yes, it is. That is the idea so that it opens the way for these visions from the gods still,
Smart Cerberus Head:yes. A lot of good cloud based vision.
Penny:Hey, at least nothing's been set on fire yet. And there's only been one giant headed baby I believe. Sometimes there's more.
Sibyl:Oh, that wasn't a baby. Yeah, we haven't had a baby floating over city in a while.
Penny:Yeah, I'm glad. Okay, what's what's next Sybil?
Scary Cerberus Head:We should like we should lay off the PCP.
Penny:Oh, please. Yes.
Sibyl:All right. Pisces. Pisces. Oh, more clouds.
Penny:Oh, more clouds, shock and amazement
Sibyl:Pisces I see a bearded face made of clouds. And it is massive. I mean, it is the size of a city and it is next to a city and it looks like it wants to eat the city. So Pisces, this might be a good time for you to look out for your community and the people around you. There might be something dangerous coming
Penny:like a giant head. Okay
Sibyl:made of clouds. It might be a metaphor for the weather or for some of you it might be a literal giant is planning to Eat your village. Hard to say Aries
Smart Cerberus Head:could be anything
Penny:could be anything
Sibyl:Aries I see a small two person band playing on a street made of bricks. They look to be having a really good time. I don't know if you're gonna join a band or go see a band or maybe this is just a vision advising you that if you walk past someone street performer playing instruments that you should give them a Tip
Penny:Tip your buskers you just described Seattle.
Sibyl:Okay, lovely Taurus. Taurus. I am seeing an absolutely beautiful idyllic field on the side of a mountain with pink flowers and lovely blooming trees and horses frolicking in the fields. I don't know you're you're either going to have a lovely day in nature, do some horseback riding, or I don't know you're going to get some really good drugs, kind of like what I'm on right now. And watch all of that in your head.
Smart Cerberus Head:Did you say frolicking?
Sibyl:They are frolicking? Yes.
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, I said I was I thought you said a bunch of horses fucking. And I'm like that's an entirely different vision, an entirely different activity.
Sibyl:I don't know. I think I think that fits within the definition of frolicking. But they aren't actively fucking right now, in my vision, as I look at them,
Penny:frolicking does lead to fucking especially with horses.
Smart Cerberus Head:It can!
Sibyl:All right, Gemini, Gemini, I see a nice little end table with books on top of it and surrounded by what look like some kind of I don't know, these creatures, they seem to have four legs. Although that one in the back seems to have six legs. And it looks like their faces are melting into like pink sludge. And they are just lurking and it looks like they are ready to attack. So be on guard, Gemini,
Penny:this took a turn
Sibyl:cancer, cancer. Oh, this one's very pretty. There's a lot of detail here. So I'm not going to be able to explain every single bit of this vision. There's just it's too much for the time that we have left on this podcast. But it looks like a grand library with many, many floors, curtains blocking off certain parts of it, where probably the more interesting books would be. And there are these pillars that hold platforms that are just kind of floating. I don't know how people get to them, but people are sitting on them and reading. So it looks really nice, actually. Very nice library. Lots of books should be good cancer.
Penny:That sounds delightful.
Smart Cerberus Head:How many how many more? Do we have left?
Sibyl:A few
Smart Cerberus Head:Can I do the last one? Can we do it? Or at the end? Or can we do a vision at the end?
Sibyl:sure you can give your version of a vision. I do want to make sure that our listeners get what they came here for though, which is a vision straight from the gods through an Oracle. And only I can do that
Penny:Yes, but it does add some extra bullshit at the end. I'm glad you're down for that Cerberus. Okay, who's next?
Smart Cerberus Head:it's all it's all true.
Sibyl:All right, Leo's Leo's
Smart Cerberus Head:accurate scientific.
Sibyl:I see a hallway made of rainbows with a pink door at the end and there's a window in the hallway and there's this giant cat staring at you through the window. Virgo it looks like you've got a lot of paperwork coming. It looks really boring, just boring bureaucratic stuff. So sorry about that Virgo.
Penny:Oh, that sounds worse than an elephant that's angry and then is down a limb paperwork. Who
Sibyl:Yeah, that is pretty much the worst. It also looks like someone may have put it through a shredder and then tried to tape it back together. So I don't know maybe cover your tracks better than just one of those cheap shredders that leaves it in strips get one of the cross cut shredders. They do a better job. All right. Libra Libra, I see a parent and a child walking together and the parent has tentacles for arms. So I don't know if you are a monster with tentacle for arms. Maybe you've got a kid on the way
Smart Cerberus Head:Oh, oh thank God still have paws. Oh shit.
Sibyl:All right. So that is it for our horoscope for the day and I believe Cerberus wants to add their own take on your future listeners.
Smart Cerberus Head:So you know what let's do. Let's do let's do I'm gonna do a Scorpio I'm gonna do tomorrow's tomorrow's horoscope. Okay, it gets you ready? All right tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff that you've already done before that you hate. You will spend most of it in the bathroom, and then you will go back to sleep. Oh, wow. Oh, I think that was it. That was amazing.
Sibyl:I think that vision actually was pretty accurate for some Scorpios because that does fit in with the vision I saw. I mean, it got blended with a lot of others that involved white sandy beaches and seashells, but that was definitely in there.
Penny:That sounds accurate for. Just about all the humans I know.
Sibyl:Do you have a little bit of Oracle in you?
Smart Cerberus Head:Fuck how do you do this every day? Ah, fucking visions hurt. They hurt my brain. Yeah. Oh, nope. nope. That's PCP. No, not visions. I should have stopped.
Penny:Are you okay, Cerberus?
Sibyl:The snorting of crush Dreams was the most painful I would say this. The PCP is nothing compared to some of the stuff I've done. Yeah,
Smart Cerberus Head:I blame Kyle. Fuck you, Kyle.
Penny:She snorted all kinds of shit.
Smart Cerberus Head:I may have a little bit of Oracle in me, but it's probably because I eat one once.
Sibyl:That may do it.
Penny:I hope they didn't give you indigestion. Just visions.
Smart Cerberus Head:Just to Kyle.
Penny:Oh, fuck you, Kyle. I'm sorry. I can't be anti Kyle. Kyle is a snake. Yay. Snakes.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:Yes, yay, snakes.
Penny:But fuck you, Kyle. As an individual.
Cerberus Tail/Kyle:You know, that's, that's fair. I'm just back here. I talk a lot of shit. Probably because I'm right next to it. And if you're next to shit all day, you'd probably be a little bit of an asshole too.
Penny:That makes a strange kind of sense. But yeah, I would like to point out that Kyle is not representative of all snakes. And the snakes on my head are definitely not representative of all snakes at snakes. No. No, you are all proud individual snakes. Okay. Okay,
Dumb Cerberus Head:they're so pretty!
Penny:You know what they are? I do. I do love my snakes. As long as they they behave. But you know what? Even I don't spank my snakes. parents. I'm talking to you. Cerberus. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share your life with our listeners. Thank you so so very much and thank you Sybil, as always, for your bullshit.
Sibyl:You're welcome listeners.
Scary Cerberus Head:Yes, so welcome.
Smart Cerberus Head:Yes, you're welcome.
Dumb Cerberus Head:Are we gonna start recording now?
Penny:Yes, he.
Dumb Cerberus Head:Oh, I'm ready for the podcast.
Penny:Well, good for you. Thank you listeners. And I'll see you next time
the Gorgon show with me. Penny cephalonia is a proud member of the Faustian nonsense network. You can find us on Twitter at at gorgon show, or email us with questions and comments at Gorgon show at Faustian. nonsense.com Oh, music in the Gorgon show is by TJ The Empathic vampire. You can find more of his work linked in the show notes. Thank you for listening to the Gorgon show
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
